Cautionary Tale

When did our conversations and recorded smiles
become missed calls and words left unsaid?
When did heartbreaks and let downs become a Tuesday regular?
How is it the night long talks have faded, the novelty gone
now replaced by resentful texts and empty apologies?
How is it I let myself get hurt time and time again?
History constantly repeating itself
but I too naive to realize things won’t change.

I Grew Up as the Mother

At school, I saw the home-made lunches
On TV, I watched what families looked like
I’d plaster a smile, hiding a truth
But behind closed doors the world was a different place.

Out the window I could see the children all play,
My longing to cross that thresh hold.
But I had love to scrub into fabric
Today’s fears to wash away
And yesterday’s tears to mop up.

Lights on, lights off
Two small mouths to feed.

Coax her to believe she is loved
Wipe away her tears of uncertainty
Not knowing what to say
Carry on, do your best.

Splitting at my own seams
How could I live out two lives?
Support her from my cracked foundation
She still wants to know why.

Lights on, lights off
Two small mouths to feed.

Soft murmurs that put me to sleep
Her soft tears that continued to fall
I couldn’t be everything
I too, felt left alone.

Each day living afraid
That tomorrow might come
Tomorrow meant coming
Tomorrow meant going

Lights on, lights off
Two small mouths to feed.

For each time it left
I knew what was to come.
Hurry it’ll be back,
Waiting for a fuse to be blown

Her cherub cheeks,
It has caused to be swollen.
She rubs at her eyes,
“What did I do wrong?”

What am I to do?
I know not the answers.
Crumpled over,
Now crying myself.

Lights on, lights off
Two small mouths to feed.

It should have been my mother
Not what I feared most.
But what now, that my fear is absolved?
I have but anger, in which will not part
I only dared dreamed for one caring hand
But instead, it left me with two mouths to feed

Milk-less cereal, a meal of the dark.

Plan B

The door swings open
held for what I thought was me
Smile,
think to myself
Aren't I lucky?
Turn around, I'm not alone.

Yes let me open up.
Let my petals all fall open.
Yet, watch as they wilt, drop to the floor, disappear
But this is what you wanted, no?

Let me tell you my secrets
brink on emptiness
share my only feelings, which are created
pulled across fabric too soft
ripping under the tears

This perfect picture that never existed
pressed behind glass
a museum displaying the fake
but truth? take it, you can have it all

My past has been a fraud
lies cleverly spun up to keep me from existing
silent, my words are non existent
smile and it'll all go away

I'm a cop out
avoiding the inevitable

Crazy all the same

I watched her from the window. She was a complete mess. Crying and then smiling. Pacing the length of the room. She held it in her hand, her life not even an arm's extension away. Control, complete control over everything. Crying, frustration, more anger to follow. Tears that questioned, even denied. As I watched, i wondered what went through her head. She dropped, collapsed, let go of her control.

Vanilla, white
skin like that of sweet cream.
Against porcelain just as fragile
soul cracked at the seams.
Glistening against soft crystal
Filling to saturation.
Water spilling over
Dancing upon the straight edge.
Pictures pooling
A cardinal taking flight.

Gone

Run faster to reach that edge
getting further to the getaway
You're already gone.
Drop the world
it was falling apart
and forget all that bull shit that made you
I'm gone anyway.
Rules confined to that tight leather book
Preaching to the empty minded
closed off and forgotten
The sidewalk ended here.
Red, yellow and green
stopping when told
never starting again
mind served and gone.
In this moment we waited,
waited to be fucked over
now falling off
cored and edges browning.
Sounds bouncing
white walls cracked up
bars slicing the sun
watch like a caged animal
not going anywhere.
Life comes as a pill
downing yesterday like a syrup
Spin 'till I collapse
start to feel sick
the lights go out.
I'm not fucking crazy